My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
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Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”