How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
You Might Also Like
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.