Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
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Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.