Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
You Might Also Like
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what