Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.