HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
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Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns