Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
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When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.