Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
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STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.