BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
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The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich