If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
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[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot