[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
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My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP