“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
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Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates