i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
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Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.