I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
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You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
let’s discuss
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions