the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
You Might Also Like
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I can’t stop laughing at this
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off