Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
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I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.