I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
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I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
No, I don’t think I will.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff