*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
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Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.