My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
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Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”