Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
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hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs