HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
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me 2 months after i graduated
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
🐕🍷
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him