Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
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My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.