Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
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I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking