Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
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I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Monday
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either