Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
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Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Stop sending me this shit.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Made something I’m not proud of
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot