My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
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Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.