Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
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Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I’m Sold!
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?