A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
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[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
when revenge coincides with naptime
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
That was easy.