For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
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My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Goodnight 🐶
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Warm pools make me nervous.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks