when the author kills off your favorite character πππ
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What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes π
dentist: your mouth?
me: no π
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said βItβs a marker not a pen.β
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
grocer: [checking eggs] this oneβs broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Iβd rather fork than spoon.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.