Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
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[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich