Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
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I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!