They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
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I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it