English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
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You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all