The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
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There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”