Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
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Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
#parenting
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Yup
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*