Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
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“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
wtf is a larm clock?
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”