Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
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You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”