christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
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what’s more important?
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Where’s my employee discount too?
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Oh yeah that’s it
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen