Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
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From my Mom
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Cake!!
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
What about a To-Don’t List?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.