My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
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“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
The point of your 20s
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
😅🤣😂
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL