Current mood: Potato
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my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.