Happy Friday
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So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal