A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
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Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back