Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
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[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I did not eat the cake…
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.