The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
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[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
This why you should mind your business
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer