Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
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Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed