My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
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Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
📽️movie date🎞️
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?