I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
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Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.