[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
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If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.